Thursday, September 27, 2012

Deployment is Kicking My Ass Today

I don't know why. You'd think with only about a month to go, it would be easier, and I guess for the most part it is, but some days just suck and there's no way around it. I spent most of the day doing research for our new place and picking up a few presents for him/things for the new apartment I've been meaning to get. My credit card hurts, but even retail therapy didn't lift my little deployment cloud.

Luckily September has been moving along pretty quickly, I can only hope October does the same and that if they delay his homecoming, it won't be for very long. He had a tentative date around Halloween, but now with everything going on in that part of the world, we're back to being really unsure of anything. I hate not knowing, it's easily one of the most frustrating aspects of the military lifestyle. I feel better having a solid date, it makes me feel like I can plan, and we all know planning is my favorite coping mechanism. For now, I am just forcing myself to keep on with my life, keep busy, and tell myself that it will be over soon, one way or another. 

On the bright side, I have a super busy week next week with painting my mom's new apartment for her and teaching swim lessons on the weekends, gotta keep adding to that bank account! Also, October is almost here, and the second of the month is our second anniversary :) 

Oh, and I'm getting the iphone 5 because I did this to my 4.

Yep. Eric calls me killer kella for my propensity to break electronics. Ironic, because he is the tech whisperer. Long story short, I dropped it a few months ago and the cracks just keep getting worse. Last night it fell off the counter and huge chunks of glass just came off...thank god my contract is up.

Tomorrow marks 23 weeks of deployment behind us. Only a few more to go, love.

Monday, September 3, 2012


Why hello there, fall! 

I have been waiting for summer to end for so long, and the coming of this new season means we are closing in on a return date for my love. I am in a weird spot, where homecoming is still a bit too far to be truly excited about, but I'm exiting the middle stage of this thing. Part of me wants to cling to the familiar comfort of my middle-stage mindset, where I have all the time in the world to prepare for homecoming, can put things off like registering to vote in a new state or setting up another bank account, can reassure myself that I have more time to save money, to be with my family, to go do things in the Bay Area I've been meaning to do while I still live here. 

The middle stage seemed to be the easiest emotionally for me. In the beginning, it was stressful and horrible, the breaking of my normal routine, going through finals, transitioning out of college without him, but the middle provided a new routine, some stability, and because you know he isn't coming back soon, you're also not anxious about it. The worst of the separation anxiety has diffused, and is replaced with a resigned missing. I miss him constantly, he is always on my mind, but I am also accepting of the fact that I can't make him come home faster, and all I can do is wait and live my life.

With the last stage of deployment looming, this final chunk of time, I feel the edges of anxiety creeping back; I find myself anxious to have everything perfectly set up for his return, anxious about re-adjusting, re-connecting, about seeing him again and wanting that too badly. I tend to avoid thinking about this because it's becoming apparent that this last stage is going to be more difficult for me, as well as more exciting. But the excitement its self is for now I will try and tell myself I still have to wait, tell myself I still have time to slowly pull things together for his arrival, so I don't panic or let the painful excitement take over. 

September also means school resumes, so my brother and I hit San Francisco for some back to school shopping the other day. We got him clothes, and I got to spend time in my city. Win-win.

Union Square

Typical foggy day

Washington Trip

My cousin and I decided to go visit our aunt, uncle, and three cousins who live outside Portland, OR, but technically in Washington...

Classic WA sunset


Maureen and I =D

Watching baby cousin play varsity volleyball at her high school

Cannon Beach...thats Haystack rock

We had a really fun and relaxing week with one of our favorite families, lots of laughs and adventures :) The other thing I got to do was scope out apartments in the city Eric and I are moving back to when he returns from this deployment. It was really, really weird to be back in "our hometown" without him, and strangely unsettling. I did, however, find a pretty good apartment, and hopefully we can move in just weeks after he gets home, which is super exciting. I've already mentally placed furniture, hah. I was bummed I wasn't able to visit any friends while I was up there, but I was only in the city for about three hours. But I'll be back in just a few weeks!