I have been waiting for summer to end for so long, and the coming of this new season means we are closing in on a return date for my love. I am in a weird spot, where homecoming is still a bit too far to be truly excited about, but I'm exiting the middle stage of this thing. Part of me wants to cling to the familiar comfort of my middle-stage mindset, where I have all the time in the world to prepare for homecoming, can put things off like registering to vote in a new state or setting up another bank account, can reassure myself that I have more time to save money, to be with my family, to go do things in the Bay Area I've been meaning to do while I still live here.
The middle stage seemed to be the easiest emotionally for me. In the beginning, it was stressful and horrible, the breaking of my normal routine, going through finals, transitioning out of college without him, but the middle provided a new routine, some stability, and because you know he isn't coming back soon, you're also not anxious about it. The worst of the separation anxiety has diffused, and is replaced with a resigned missing. I miss him constantly, he is always on my mind, but I am also accepting of the fact that I can't make him come home faster, and all I can do is wait and live my life.
With the last stage of deployment looming, this final chunk of time, I feel the edges of anxiety creeping back; I find myself anxious to have everything perfectly set up for his return, anxious about re-adjusting, re-connecting, about seeing him again and wanting that too badly. I tend to avoid thinking about this because it's becoming apparent that this last stage is going to be more difficult for me, as well as more exciting. But the excitement its self is painful...so for now I will try and tell myself I still have to wait, tell myself I still have time to slowly pull things together for his arrival, so I don't panic or let the painful excitement take over.
September also means school resumes, so my brother and I hit San Francisco for some back to school shopping the other day. We got him clothes, and I got to spend time in my city. Win-win.
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| Union Square |
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| Typical foggy day |
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