It Won't Happen to Me

Famous last words.


Tonight I had one of those moments that people warn you about during deployment, that moment when you think you're doing fine and something silly happens to remind you he's gone and it hits you all over again like a ton of bricks. I've heard people saying that a song came on the radio or they tripped over his boots, little things like that trigger this meltdown. I consider myself pretty good at switching into an "independent" mode and didn't think something like that would happen to me, especially as I've been really busy the last few weeks and have been doing pretty well, I thought. 


Turns out I'm not immune. And it was so silly. E is a computer genius. It's basically his job to be really, really good at all things computer. As such, I'm used to having him around to fix my problems and complete any and all tasks above my basic skill level. Need something elaborately reformatted? He fixes it. Need to adjust the complex home internet network he set up for us? Done. He tries to make me learn but usually it's easier and quicker for him to just do it, and I don't object. Anything from my phone deciding to show nothing but a bright green screen (true story) to manipulating files gets fixed effortlessly by him. 


So I want to send him a file thats too big to e-mail. Okay, I compress it, right? Except for I have absolutely NO IDEA HOW TO DO THAT. I google and try for a couple minutes, getting inordinately frustrated and upset and suddenly I'm a mess of tears and its no longer about the file but about him not being here. 


And that is how it happened to me. Just when I was sure I was doing alright. 


I will say I was surprised at how angry I was getting at not being able to fix this, feeling way past frustration, and it is a very rare thing for me to truly get angry. I am an exceedingly calm and patient person, and for me to so violently lose it in a matter of minutes is virtually unheard of in my adult life. 


Luckily, one of his friends helped me solve the problem. I was laughing and crying at the simple solution and joking about E; laughing at how he would see this silly situation, and crying at wishing he could see it.